After night comes the Light

So I have not checked my mail in over a month. Usually there is no need to, because I pay all of my bills online and throw away all of the paper mail. My mom has been telling me for some time that my Grandfather send me a note and was wondering if I received it. She told me it was around Christmas time, so I assumed it was just a Christmas card.

At Midtown last night, I reminded myself I need to get the mail soon, and told my roommate. On the drive home, he reminded me to stop and get the mail (Not check the mail, mind you. I knew the box was bursting). I ran through some bills and found the letter from my Grandfather. It was too thick to be a card, so I curiously opened the letter.

I was not prepared for what happened next...In a good way.

There was a handwritten note inside dated 12/31/07, and my Grandfather was saying that he was praying for me, and how he hoped that 2008 would be a year of new beginnings and exceeded expectations. He said he was including something he wrote many years ago when he was going through some very difficult situations, and my mother was 9 years old. The next 2 pages were stapled together and handwritten. It was a photocopy of a journal entry and obviously private. The date at the top corner was August 30, 1968. The opening greeting: "Dear God,".

I sat down and began to read. Mostly just a sentence at a time because of the intensity of the material (and the misty vision barrier). Not just the material though, but the raw vulnerability, pain, hurt, and hope it conveyed. He was crying out to God from a situation that had him on his knees. He was approaching rock-bottom in many areas, but his prayers and pleas were not mainly for himself, but mostly for others near him that could be affected by the situation. For them--For their restoration. Perhaps a little background: My Grandfather is just a couple generations in from Sicily. Italian to the core. Very affectionate and generous in everything he does...very giving. Vulnerability, however was something I had never seen from him, and his journal entry from that night in 1968 was intense and real, and definitely vulnerable before God. Allowing me to share in this made him that way to me also. He expressed feelings so closely mirroring mine that it was scary, yet also feelings and emotions that I could not imagine dealing with even after all I've been through. At the time of his writing, the situation could have gone either way, and he was asking God for strength in unique ways for each specific outcome. The surreal part was the fact that I have seen the outcome of the situation, and seen the answers to the things he was desperately seeking in his prayers. I cannot describe what sharing in this was like.

I felt like a jackass for not checking the mail sooner. As Aaron nicely put it (after I went through 50 bills to find his letter), "Its worth sorting through a pile of shit to find that Gold." Indeed.

It is a wonderful thing to recognize what is truly important...however the cost for that is not cheap. It looks like we are all gaining and understanding things from each other's experiences.

EDIT: After sharing this story a few times, people seemed to think my Grandfather is deceased. He is very much alive, and I called and thanked him today.

Whatever makes you happy

Here is your goal
Planned out, details set, perfect
Still unattainable
Change a little
Bend a little
Fake it.
You get what you want
All the details there
but not what you expect.
The outcome you wanted
is in perfect form
But what you've become
Will never let you enjoy this.


The things we do in order to make ourselves feel happy, or satisfy a need are the very things that we come to despise in ourselves and in others.

I love everything about you and nothing about us.

Nothing you force by your own hand will ever be satisfying...even if the outcome is exactly the one you sought after.

I love the fact that so many things about our relationship with God can be learned and seen through human interaction and relationships.
I wonder if there would be any joy for God to simply cause everyone to Love Him. Or for Jesus to snap His fingers and have everyone accept His message. The beauty of why we have a choice is that if we chose Him, it is not because we are forced, but because we are compelled to Him. I am certain this is a much more wonderful thing to God also, because through everything I have experienced, it seems joy comes when the conclusion is natural. There is no joy in knowing someone is doing exactly what we want due to our manipulation of the situation. I am willing to bet its the same for Him.

I am so appreciative that you notice, and the things you notice. Mostly because I'm not trying to make anything noticeable at all. That makes it so much more exciting when someone does see these things. Its genuine.

I think I will be cooking some good food this week.

Plans are in motion to get out.

I miss Europe.

Keep talking, I wont mind.

Christmas.
Staying at my family's home still has the uncanny ability to make me rest peacefully despite being on the floor, relax despite the noise level, and feel like a kid on Christmas despite being older now. The holiday was short this year, and didn't quite feel like it should. But it still allowed me to apply the brakes for just a minute. The nativity scene is Santa Claus. Intangible, distant, and essentially fake with its Utopian grandeur. A sometimes helpful reminder to those of us that believe, but a commodity to just about everyone else.
I celebrate a hope for humanity, a division of time among years of silence, a fulfillment of the longing and void in every person since the earliest of times. Perfect. I celebrate an example of how to walk this line, how to love, and how to approach God. Selfless. I celebrate a man who changed countless lives while present on this earth and otherwise. Unmatched. I celebrate a savior with the ability to save us from the one thing we as humanity cannot. Divine.
The nativity scene does nothing to remind me of the reasons I celebrate. Rather, I am reminded when I see glimpses of His example in others, or when I see Him in others.

New Years.
I never make "resolutions," but rather keep a list of things I want to accomplish. I could start by reading the stack of books that have waiting. I want to expand my mind and intellect continuously. Be a constant upward example to others in many facets of life. I would like to build and develop my relationships more intensely-especially those of a spiritual nature. I do not want to be mediocre in anything I do. Embrace Humility. Fight apathy.
I want to listen more.

I am not complaining. This is honesty.

Should you overlook small things for the larger picture? Or do the little things really kill?

I think its funny how people assume they have the perfectly right thing to say to you and once they present it in all of its false grandeur you look at them, then smile and nod.
Not exactly the reaction you desired, huh?
They think they have stumbled upon an earth shattering concept that will help you greatly, and its only something you've heard other countless times. Women (some) are notorious for doing this with me. They think they have you figured out completely, and respond based on what they THINK they know about you. I am not trying to sound arrogant or prideful...but I am not a typical guy, and I think the clones running around have ruined it for me.
People who have true epiphanies and things that genuinely encourage you or spark some realization, almost never have to draw attention to them. The words (or actions) fall almost in passing, and the impact is slow and profound.

Every time I think I have someone figured out, its usually because I've stopped paying attention. When you step back and truly listen, or truly pay attention, there are constantly new things to learn. I love learning about you.

This is not talking about one specific relationship, but rather all of them. Even with spirituality, if ever there was a time when I thought I had it figured out, or understood how God worked, He then proceeded to show me that I had no clue. This usually was not because He did something new or different, but usually because I actually stopped to listen to what he had to say to me and about me, instead of what I had to say about Him.

I wonder if I am as capable of my goals here as I would be somewhere else. Reverberating echoes of the word "No" follow keystrokes.

You Inspire me

You know you do, and you don't even have to try.





blursh

The need to dissociate

Here we go again
Another face to change the scene
Go ahead and melt away
They wont know what you mean

Smile
words
kiss
letters
taste

She pulls at your hand
It should feel right
Its far to comfortable
to let this die

Its a mess right now, but I wouldn't change a thing.

You're ever so inviting

I think the reason why I don't feel that I fit in with most of the Christian mentality is because I truly approach my relationship with God as just that. A relationship.

I don't follow a pattern or a formula for "Christian life," I don't use God to justify my beliefs on faith or politics and everything in between. I am not perfect.

It is a relationship. Prayers and conversations are sometimes fistfights and arguments. If you have ever been in a fight, you understand how much you learn about someone in a fight. Its a very intimate thing if you can turn off your traditional thinking of intimacy. He wins and I am fine with that. If it takes me getting squashed in order to know Him, then thats fine.

I will continue to approach the gospel as an invitation to know God through a flawed relationship. Because one of us is human.