Life on Thoughts

NEW

2008-05-01T09:31:00.002-04:00

Making the transition. Find me HERE

Today's Edition.

2008-04-10T00:24:00.000-04:00

I have come to appreciate times of struggle in my life. Not that I welcome a trial or such, but rather that I have begun to see the opportunity it presents. These are the times when character is built. These are the times when you begin to recognize yourself with external coverings stripped away. I hate to hear of people getting upset and almost shutting down during times of trials. I know its painful--but there is no better time to grow close to God and learn who you are in His eyes while at your lowest. This quote is brilliant, and kind of sums it up:

"...meaninglessness does not come from being weary of pain; meaninglessness comes from being weary of pleasure. And that is why we find ourselves emptied of meaning with our pantries still full." Ravi Zacharias

To me, this says that trials are actually used to create meaning in our lives. People are more quickly emptied of meaning when their "pantries are full" and everything is in place and right in their world. That is the opposite of what society teaches us to think, yet the parallel of what Christ teaches us to think. Can there be meaning in pain? Absolutely. We usually don't see this in the midst of pain because we can't stop thinking about the bubble that forms around us, encompassing our pain, struggles, hurt, and insecurity. During these times, we live in this small space, so is it any wonder that the meaning that could be gained during this time is lost? In this bubble, there is only ourself and our pain. If you are driving and you look right, eventually you will veer to the right. The result is the same when the thoughts in which you live encompass only yourself and the hurt you feel. Embrace the pain for the meaning and character it is capable of bringing.

_________

I was told my blog should more closely resemble a newspaper.

Funny, the monologue I read for a Casting call on Sunday was a reporter script.

We're going to have dinner with my older neighbors tonight. They are in their 80s, I think. The man is a funny-type of grouch and battles with depression. His wife is from Brazil, and doesn't understand his sarcasm all the time. It's hilarious. I like listening to old people talk and learning from their experiences. What can an 80 year old learn from associating with a guy in his twenties? Hopefully lots. Should be fun.

D

2008-04-07T02:22:00.002-04:00

I have been surprised lately by how many people I know that battle with depression on a daily basis. It's something we can all deal with from time to time, but someone who is clinically "depressed" struggles with this continually, and I am finding out about more and more people close to me that battle this daily.

The constant debate on depression includes different theories, called models. There are biological models, psychological models, or combinations of both. After having training in both fields, I can tell you it is neither biological or psychological...completely. There are elements of both involved, but it is more than can be defined by one of these models. I am also not one of the people who thinks it is a spiritual condition either. I have actually heard someone say to another person, "If you are depressed, you must be in sin." Come on.

The reality is that for the most part, depression is individually based. There is not a continuum for the model because personalities and traits vary, therefore the way depression effects people will vary with each person. But we seem to think that even with this information, we can treat depression the same way across the board. Does that make sense to anyone?

I can tell you prescription drugs are not the solution. Although they have helped some people, there is danger in using drugs like this as a blanket solution. Two people close to me have used them with very bad outcomes. I have seen doctors prescribe these with little know about the person (Not the doctor's fault--this is what the system teaches). I cannot offer any perfect solution, but here are some facts, and some trends I have observed.

Facts:

-There is NO WAY to measure a neurotransmitter (aka: brain chemical). We prescribe SSRI's (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors), and we understand how they work based on blood levels of a Serotonin precursor. Brain fluids of some people who suffered with depression have shown low Serotonin levels, however, this cannot be measured in a living person's brain. Traces can be found in the blood, but this shows nothing about the activity in the brain.

- We know little about the mechanisms of depression. Because of this, there is a fair amount of guesswork involved.

- The drugs which target depression and have effects on neurotransmitters are known to have those actions, but can also effect several other things of which we know little about. Because of this, there is a potential for adverse reactions that we are unaware of at this point.

Some things I have seen work:

(Again, the way depression effects people is an INDIVIDUAL thing, so there is no solution that works across the board. But, here are some key things people I know have done that don't involve medication that I have seen help them.)

- Change of diet. (Eating healthier, increased vitamin intake. Obvious benefit)

- Exercise. This has been shown to have a direct benefit to NT function and emotional stability. I have seen this help people more than any other thing. Simply walking around the block daily would change a depressed person's mood drastically. Unfortunately, when someone is in the state, the hardest part is making it out of the front door. Once they do, the benefits are felt. But up until that point is a battle, and a cycle that keeps the person sedimentary.

-GETTING OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF/ HELPING OTHERS: This is one of the most overlooked things that does wonders for any person, especially someone battling with depression. (Matt 16:25)

This is also where the spiritual relationship comes into play. I said I don't believe depression is a spiritual problem, and I don't. BUT--selfishness/being self-focused IS a spiritual problem. When you invest into others and give of yourself when you don't feel like it, the rewards are large. The inwardly focused cycle of depression will only increase until you get the focus off yourself completely. This can be tough to start, but once started, it becomes easier and easier to accomplish.

These are the words we speak

2008-04-04T11:04:00.004-04:00

Flawed communication. We use such completely different words to describe the exact same situation or event. But, these little words begin to take on a little different meaning for everyone, resulting in your casual word becoming a curse to someone else. You have completely missed. I don't know what is worse...the fact that you missed, or the fact that what you mistook me for was exactly everything that I am not. (2005)

Veritas

2008-03-18T12:37:00.004-04:00

You are so beautiful.

Elusive.

I fear that you have left me forever-
No one remembers you.

You are at the forefront of my mind and occupy my thoughts continually. Like a wonderful dream, I want to recall the memory and think on it until I have used up all of the inertia it brings. You do not wain, yet I am afraid you will.

In the absence of you, I cannot continue.

I will surround myself with those who remember you, and think of you always. Without them, I will also forget you quickly.

The greatest fear approaches the farther away you are.

When the time we have now ends

2008-03-17T11:07:00.006-04:00

Men: Start acting like men. If you have not established this by now, your security must come from something other than her. It must come from something other than your job, your car, or your khakis. Don't misunderstand me--Its alright to be vulnerable, honest, and to show pain. But when this is the forefront of your conversations, actions and emotions, you become inwardly focused, and a annoyance to people around you. Begging for attention, affection or respect will never get you any of them. The single best thing you can do is be secure in who you are in Christ. Make your spiritual relationship the important one. This will lead you to act in love, and in love there is no selfishness, no fear, no jealousy. There is little appealing about a Christian, save for Christ himself. Human nature propels us towards selfishness and insecurity, but Christ compels us towards Him, and towards security.

This all does not serve to say that you must be a man without feeling. That is not at all the case. Because being a man has little to do with being macho, and everything to do with embracing the security of having a first love that does not occupy this earth. If you come to realize that as the only one thing you need, then your life and actions will mirror that security.

Get outside of yourself.

True life is found in giving your life away.

Give to someone who needs your time, attention, affection or money this week. Even if those are your very needs. Many of those needs will be satisfied in you simply from your giving.

That being said, I am not sure of all the steps, nor do I have all the answers. These are simply the truths that I have seen at work in others, and in myself. These are principles that have solved problems. I can guarantee you that you are not the only person to feel this way, and you are not the only person who understands. It's been done before...It's been far worse before. Its been conquered before.

Know your blood type.

2008-03-06T17:22:00.004-05:00

Do you guys know your blood type? If you have B or O, definitely consider donating for the burn victims in Augusta.

If there is not adequate blood supply and flow to tissue near burns in a short time following damage, repair becomes very slim. I don't know anyone affected, but I read this article and felt compelled to try and help assist them.

God Bless

2008-02-26T08:32:00.021-05:00

I did this, and the list I received is below. Funny, Columbia is not anywhere on the list. I knew that before the website told me. There are some great places on this list, and even some places I will likely be inhabiting sooner rather than later.

Without further adieu, the top 15:

Seattle, Washington
Honolulu, Hawaii
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Anchorage, Alaska
San Bernardino, California
Las Vegas, Nevada
Portland, Oregon
Ogden, Utah
Missoula, Montana
Santa Barbara, California
Denver, Colorado
Hartford, Connecticut
Palo Alto, California
Tacoma, Washington
San Jose, California
________________________________
What challenges your faith?

This could never be summed up in a word, or words, or sentences. This list broadens continually as I struggle to find God everywhere.

At the very top of this list would be my interaction with people that share the faith I have. This doesn't always mean we are sitting down discussing the underlying meaning of I John 1:9, or trying to convert lost souls. I am learning more and more just how closely ALL of our relationships give us insight as to how to relate to God through a spiritual relationship. This challenges my faith incredibly, because now I don't see relationships as just what I can get out of them. Nor do I see them for simply what I can give. Rather it becomes a unique interaction that is also a glimpse into how we relate to God. I need these types of relationships and relationships in general...even with people you don't get along with...this will even present pictures of how we sometimes relate to God.

I am challenged when I get outside of myself and become others centered.

I am challenged spiritually by encouragement. When someone notices a characteristic in me that is Christ-like, I don't put on the cruise control, thinking I am doing good. Rather, it makes me want to push even more to remove dirt from my life and exemplify even more Christ-like traits.

I am also challenged spiritually by criticism. I try to take the Proverbs 9:9 mentality as much as humanly possible.

My parents used to always say, "Die to the compliments, and die to the criticism." Meaning, don't become puffed-up or self-righteous following compliments, and don't become apathetic following criticism. I try to take the truth from either, and learn what I can. Trying to isolate truth from the emotions of compliments and criticism is always challenging to your faith. To quote Jimmy, "Don't accept critique or credit."

I could keep listing things that challenge my faith down to the smallest details, because when you pray and struggle to find Him everywhere, you begin to notice just that. But, these were some of the larger points that came to mind.

What weakens it?

Just as I struggle to make the first list longer, this would be a list I struggle to shorten. I don't want to be swayed by the trivial things in life. I don't want a distraction to cause me to miss the bigger picture.

That being said, there are some things that have the tendency to discourage my faith. A large thing there is when I see others no longer conscientious about anything spiritual. That discourages me. Even if I feel great spiritually, it is very important to me that others share in that. I am not content to be one of those people where "Its just me and God, and we're fine."

When I am surrounded continually by shallow people, and I cannot have a conversation of depth or discuss any spiritual matters after a length of time.
When I am not serving or doing any good for the kingdom at hand.
When we as the church are doing nothing to impact the community.
When I am selfish.
These are all things that can have a negative impact on my faith.

Of course, Dishonesty can deal serious blows to my faith, as truth is very, very important to me. Dishonesty leads to distrust, and when I lose trust in human relationships, invariably my spiritual relationship follows. This is not immediate of course, but definitely happens over periods of time after losing trust in someone.

RANT:

Listen...just listen. Throw away your opinions and your ideals for a moment and hear what I'm saying. I don't need you to offer solutions or tell me where I'm wrong. You know this. I will arrive at the proper conclusion, often without your prodding. You speak before I have even finished explaining the details of the situation, thinking you have heard or seen this scenario before. You're just waiting for your turn--not hearing.

I really hate it when people try to speak with authority on something they know nothing about.

I really hate it when people think they know me and therefore think they know how I interact across the board.

Will this end...

2008-02-23T18:34:00.003-05:00

When has this become acceptable and even permissible?

When will we stop living for ourselves?

What good has ever come from this for anyone?

When has character ever been built from taking this(easy)route?

The answers are blatant and continually identical, and still the same choices are made time and time again.

Are we that far from you?

This is painful to watch, even though I'm not participating.

...even so, come quickly Lord Jesus.

(Rev. 22:20)

RE:thought, RE:think

2008-02-20T15:41:00.005-05:00

We look so hard for things we want to see,
that we miss the things we should see.

Found this, thought it was interesting.

2008-02-06T12:11:00.003-05:00

The door swung open around the corner behind me. I didn't look to see who it was. I couldn't stop staring at all these neatly packed bags on the floor, lining the hallway. There was no warning, but the sign was clear.

"Shit."

That sickening feeling began to rise in my throat and I knew I would throw up if the paralysis would leave for a minute.

I hate that feeling.

I sometimes try to go back and think of the worst moments in my life in order to recreate that sensation, just to remember. Nothing you can imagine or experience ever prepares you for that creeping feeling as the bile rises in your stomach, and you try to distinguish between logic and emotion. You will swear you're dead.

"I'm leaving."

She said it softly, but with a sincerity that made me know she wasn't joking. I turned around. Her eyes met mine briefly, then averted to the bags, then to the floor. Her arms hung by her sides, keys dangling from her right hand. Her blond hair was down and the expression on her face was a look of determination. God, she looked beautiful even then.

The movie reel starts. The individual frames begin to appear in a flashing pattern, quick enough for recognition, but too fast for comprehension.

Those nights, the affection, that day, her ring, those times.

The sun was beginning to set, creating a glare on the car hood. We were driving faster than we should be and neither of us could stop laughing. The things we said were no longer funny, and the phrases were over used, but it didn't matter. We were happy. She leaned over the console and put her head on my lap and her arm around my neck. She laid there facing upward, looking at me and laughing while I tried to look at the road long enough to drive in a straight line. This would come to be something she would do often--it was unique embrace for times when we were driving and she wanted to be close. Sometimes she would be angry at me, not saying a word, and then she would slowly crawl over towards my side of the car and find that spot where her body fit just right. Trying to be upset at that point was useless for us both.

"I'm so lucky to be with you," she said.

I almost wrecked. Does she feel it too? She made the statement with realization, not with the expectation that I simply want to hear those words. Yet I felt this way since we began spending time together. Short of the other "L" word, this was the most intense thing she could have said in that moment.

The afternoon had been conquered by us. And the memories of blankets, packed lunch, fruit, and the park we left were all floating in the air around us, struggling to keep up with the speeding car. The diamond-studded cross necklace I had just given her hung from her neck and she looked amazing. My insides were whirling, but I smiled and kept driving straight while we enjoyed the silence.

It was already beginning to feel like summer. The door was still open, and the air was warm even though the sun had been down for hours. I looked directly at her. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"What did you say," I asked.

"I said I'm leaving."

"What do you mean? Like you need some time to yourself?"

"I'm not coming back."

There are so many clichés about situations like this; "empty silence," "words hung in the air," or "heart stopping." Every fucking one of them would apply, yet none of them would do this moment justice. I began to play through the last few days and weeks in my head, frantically searching for a reason. I wanted to imagine this was the culmination of a massive fight we just had, but there was none. I wanted to imagine this was the result of something horrible I had done, but there wasn't anything.

I've always found it funny that as every evening wains, things seem bigger than they actually are. This was big, but it was too late to make decisions like this.

"Please stay--at least for tonight," I pleaded. "We can talk about this in the morning."

"I am done listening to you."

Her words were flat. She said them with an emptiness in her voice that I had never heard. This didn't make any sense at all. Something was wrong. This was not her attitude; this was not her body language, posture or tone of voice. Suddenly she had become someone different.

One more time is all you need.

2008-02-02T13:13:00.000-05:00

Its amazing what beauty is found in things undone--or things unsaid. I have times when I appreciate someone more during the times when they try the least or say the least. Times like this force recognition of beauty/value/uniqueness to depend on other characteristics to display them. Its always a challenge to observe things like these without relying on traditional senses. As with almost all of the thoughts on relationships, these apply to the human ones, and the spiritual one. Such a large part of human need is dependent upon relationships, so why do we limit ourselves on ways to approach and interact within that relationship? We look so hard for things we want to see, that we miss the things we should see. Its like breathing the name of God. Our regiment for interacting with Him is not the only way to learn from this relationship. He is everywhere, filling our lungs and waiting to be found where we least expect it.

I can't stand the phrase, "It is what it is." People where I work continually use that phrase. Its like their mantra. To me, its the sound of defeat. It's used when people feel as if they have no more control over a situation, and the outcome must be accepted. Problem is, when the phrase is used, there is still something that can be done most of the time. What a cop-out.

Thoughts are flying through my head...Its kind of like a moving reel of still pictures. Its going too fast for you to spend any length of time on one picture/memory/thought. But, its moving just slow enough to get a glimpse of each one, triggering another thought before the last one has been completed.

Exactly

2008-02-01T02:13:00.000-05:00

If everything I meant to you,
you can lick and seal and fold in two,

Then I've been so blind.

After night comes the Light

2008-01-21T12:48:00.001-05:00

So I have not checked my mail in over a month. Usually there is no need to, because I pay all of my bills online and throw away all of the paper mail. My mom has been telling me for some time that my Grandfather send me a note and was wondering if I received it. She told me it was around Christmas time, so I assumed it was just a Christmas card.

At Midtown last night, I reminded myself I need to get the mail soon, and told my roommate. On the drive home, he reminded me to stop and get the mail (Not check the mail, mind you. I knew the box was bursting). I ran through some bills and found the letter from my Grandfather. It was too thick to be a card, so I curiously opened the letter.

I was not prepared for what happened next...In a good way.

There was a handwritten note inside dated 12/31/07, and my Grandfather was saying that he was praying for me, and how he hoped that 2008 would be a year of new beginnings and exceeded expectations. He said he was including something he wrote many years ago when he was going through some very difficult situations, and my mother was 9 years old. The next 2 pages were stapled together and handwritten. It was a photocopy of a journal entry and obviously private. The date at the top corner was August 30, 1968. The opening greeting: "Dear God,".

I sat down and began to read. Mostly just a sentence at a time because of the intensity of the material (and the misty vision barrier). Not just the material though, but the raw vulnerability, pain, hurt, and hope it conveyed. He was crying out to God from a situation that had him on his knees. He was approaching rock-bottom in many areas, but his prayers and pleas were not mainly for himself, but mostly for others near him that could be affected by the situation. For them--For their restoration. Perhaps a little background: My Grandfather is just a couple generations in from Sicily. Italian to the core. Very affectionate and generous in everything he does...very giving. Vulnerability, however was something I had never seen from him, and his journal entry from that night in 1968 was intense and real, and definitely vulnerable before God. Allowing me to share in this made him that way to me also. He expressed feelings so closely mirroring mine that it was scary, yet also feelings and emotions that I could not imagine dealing with even after all I've been through. At the time of his writing, the situation could have gone either way, and he was asking God for strength in unique ways for each specific outcome. The surreal part was the fact that I have seen the outcome of the situation, and seen the answers to the things he was desperately seeking in his prayers. I cannot describe what sharing in this was like.

I felt like a jackass for not checking the mail sooner. As Aaron nicely put it (after I went through 50 bills to find his letter), "Its worth sorting through a pile of shit to find that Gold." Indeed.

It is a wonderful thing to recognize what is truly important...however the cost for that is not cheap. It looks like we are all gaining and understanding things from each other's experiences.

EDIT: After sharing this story a few times, people seemed to think my Grandfather is deceased. He is very much alive, and I called and thanked him today.

Whatever makes you happy

2008-01-08T01:17:00.000-05:00

Here is your goal
Planned out, details set, perfect
Still unattainable
Change a little
Bend a little
Fake it.
You get what you want
All the details there
but not what you expect.
The outcome you wanted
is in perfect form
But what you've become
Will never let you enjoy this.

The things we do in order to make ourselves feel happy, or satisfy a need are the very things that we come to despise in ourselves and in others.

I love everything about you and nothing about us.

Nothing you force by your own hand will ever be satisfying...even if the outcome is exactly the one you sought after.

I love the fact that so many things about our relationship with God can be learned and seen through human interaction and relationships.
I wonder if there would be any joy for God to simply cause everyone to Love Him. Or for Jesus to snap His fingers and have everyone accept His message. The beauty of why we have a choice is that if we chose Him, it is not because we are forced, but because we are compelled to Him. I am certain this is a much more wonderful thing to God also, because through everything I have experienced, it seems joy comes when the conclusion is natural. There is no joy in knowing someone is doing exactly what we want due to our manipulation of the situation. I am willing to bet its the same for Him.

I am so appreciative that you notice, and the things you notice. Mostly because I'm not trying to make anything noticeable at all. That makes it so much more exciting when someone does see these things. Its genuine.

I think I will be cooking some good food this week.

Plans are in motion to get out.

I miss Europe.

Keep talking, I wont mind.

2007-12-26T15:04:00.000-05:00

Christmas.
Staying at my family's home still has the uncanny ability to make me rest peacefully despite being on the floor, relax despite the noise level, and feel like a kid on Christmas despite being older now. The holiday was short this year, and didn't quite feel like it should. But it still allowed me to apply the brakes for just a minute. The nativity scene is Santa Claus. Intangible, distant, and essentially fake with its Utopian grandeur. A sometimes helpful reminder to those of us that believe, but a commodity to just about everyone else.
I celebrate a hope for humanity, a division of time among years of silence, a fulfillment of the longing and void in every person since the earliest of times. Perfect. I celebrate an example of how to walk this line, how to love, and how to approach God. Selfless. I celebrate a man who changed countless lives while present on this earth and otherwise. Unmatched. I celebrate a savior with the ability to save us from the one thing we as humanity cannot. Divine.
The nativity scene does nothing to remind me of the reasons I celebrate. Rather, I am reminded when I see glimpses of His example in others, or when I see Him in others.

New Years.
I never make "resolutions," but rather keep a list of things I want to accomplish. I could start by reading the stack of books that have waiting. I want to expand my mind and intellect continuously. Be a constant upward example to others in many facets of life. I would like to build and develop my relationships more intensely-especially those of a spiritual nature. I do not want to be mediocre in anything I do. Embrace Humility. Fight apathy.
I want to listen more.

I am not complaining. This is honesty.

2007-12-24T17:14:00.000-05:00

Should you overlook small things for the larger picture? Or do the little things really kill?

I think its funny how people assume they have the perfectly right thing to say to you and once they present it in all of its false grandeur you look at them, then smile and nod.
Not exactly the reaction you desired, huh?
They think they have stumbled upon an earth shattering concept that will help you greatly, and its only something you've heard other countless times. Women (some) are notorious for doing this with me. They think they have you figured out completely, and respond based on what they THINK they know about you. I am not trying to sound arrogant or prideful...but I am not a typical guy, and I think the clones running around have ruined it for me.
People who have true epiphanies and things that genuinely encourage you or spark some realization, almost never have to draw attention to them. The words (or actions) fall almost in passing, and the impact is slow and profound.

Every time I think I have someone figured out, its usually because I've stopped paying attention. When you step back and truly listen, or truly pay attention, there are constantly new things to learn. I love learning about you.

This is not talking about one specific relationship, but rather all of them. Even with spirituality, if ever there was a time when I thought I had it figured out, or understood how God worked, He then proceeded to show me that I had no clue. This usually was not because He did something new or different, but usually because I actually stopped to listen to what he had to say to me and about me, instead of what I had to say about Him.

I wonder if I am as capable of my goals here as I would be somewhere else. Reverberating echoes of the word "No" follow keystrokes.

You Inspire me

2007-12-14T06:34:00.000-05:00

You know you do, and you don't even have to try.

blursh

The need to dissociate

2007-12-13T01:00:00.000-05:00

Here we go again
Another face to change the scene
Go ahead and melt away
They wont know what you mean

Smile
words
kiss
letters
taste

She pulls at your hand
It should feel right
Its far to comfortable
to let this die

Its a mess right now, but I wouldn't change a thing.

You're ever so inviting

2007-12-10T12:40:00.001-05:00

I think the reason why I don't feel that I fit in with most of the Christian mentality is because I truly approach my relationship with God as just that. A relationship.

I don't follow a pattern or a formula for "Christian life," I don't use God to justify my beliefs on faith or politics and everything in between. I am not perfect.

It is a relationship. Prayers and conversations are sometimes fistfights and arguments. If you have ever been in a fight, you understand how much you learn about someone in a fight. Its a very intimate thing if you can turn off your traditional thinking of intimacy. He wins and I am fine with that. If it takes me getting squashed in order to know Him, then thats fine.

I will continue to approach the gospel as an invitation to know God through a flawed relationship. Because one of us is human.

Compressed

2007-11-19T14:02:00.000-05:00

I'm not numb...
I still feel so many things...

but.

So many of them have lost intensity.

In music, a compressor/limiter is a type of effect that allows sound waves to become somewhat equal. It boosts the softer notes up and sqaushes the louder notes down, so the sound becomes uniform in a way.

This is exactly what my reasoning does to my emotion. Keeps the highs and the lows in check. I guess its a safety mechanism of sorts (opponent process theory...look it up =)
Things that should be intensely exciting and captivating have lost some luster.

I don't think its permanent

Technicalities...

2007-11-13T10:08:00.000-05:00

Going to try and make the transition from pen and paper to silicon and dot matrix...

We'll see how it goes.